If You Want Them to Like You, Expect Them to Hate You.

As a manager, new in my profession, I began my first days with the impression that having my team “like” me was important. I sought consensus in my decisions and all but asked permission of my team to guide them down a given path.

As a father, new in my appointment, I began my first years with both trepidation and uncertainty of action. I loved my daughter more than life itself, but was unsure of when to push, when to pull, and when to let well enough alone.

As a manager, I struggled with my team’s performance; each individual was highly talented, but the sum of my team’s parts were certainly weaker than each stood individually. For many months I struggled with the why. As a father, my angst-ridden decisions played out in many arguments with my wife just as my need for consensus was crippling my ability to manage.

And then I realized my team was ineffective because of my ineffectiveness as a leader; I wanted my team to like me so much I thought their approval was of the utmost importance.

I finally grasped that my fathering skills were crippled not because of my lack of love for my daughter – but  because I didn’t love her enough to say, “No,” when it mattered most.

As a manager and father, my objective was not to be a friend, but to be a leader, a mentor, and servant. I could not, nor can not, exist on an equal plane with those I would lead, mentor or serve – not because I am greater or lesser than a single individual, but because I cannot afford myself the luxury of caring whether I am liked.

As a leader, I must stand apart from them to offer them perspective when they are unable to see what they need alone. As a mentor, I am there to offer guidance and support when their mind and spirit are thirsting for answers. As a servant, I am there to do those things they are unable to do for themselves – humbly and willingly.

It is this realization, in both leadership and fatherhood, that now sets me apart from – while aligning me most closely with – those whom I care for most, would sacrifice myself for, and have grown to respect immensely.

What sets you apart as a leader?

Image courtesy of Ground Zero.

Ken Stewart’s website, ChangeForge, focuses on the collision between the constantly changing worlds of business and technology in an information-centric world. Ken is also the founder of Seeking the Son. He is always interested in connecting; To discover the many ways you may connect with him, visit him at DandyID.